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March 19, 2006

Tete-A-Tete With... Bigfoot: Your water stinks? Sue us

I just read this, this morning - too funny, had to post it. :) Hope you enjoy it.

New Strait Times
Bigfoot Article


March 19 It was difficult, to say the least, but the New Sunday Times managed to track down the elusive Bigfoot for this revealing interview.

Q: First of all, thank you for granting us this interview.

A: You’re welcome. We thought it was about time.

Q: How much time?

A: Oh, 100,000 years or so. Just after that very bad Ice Age. Most of us froze to death, but some of us survived. We’ve been playing hide-and-seek with you people ever since.

Q: "We"? I take it there’s more than one of you?

A: Oh for heaven’s sake. You don’t suppose I am personally 100,000 years old, do you? I don’t look that bad.

No, there’s about 10,000 of us in all at the moment. We knew we didn’t belong and wouldn’t be wanted after the Pleistocene.

So, as the ice retreated and you little fellers started crawling out to infest the place, we followed the ice and fanned out over Asia and North America, hiding in the forests.

Q: You didn’t want to stick together?

A: You wouldn’t either, if you smelled like us. No, we prefer lots of space with good ventilation.

But I do have a wife and two kids. Would you like to see their pictures? Ha, gotcha! No photographic evidence.

Q: Indeed. So why have you waited until now to make yourself known here in Malaysia?

A: Because you’ve finally become irritating enough. Just kidding. You’ve always been irritating. But let me set the record straight. We have indeed made ourselves known to you, many times.

Some of us have even lived among you, distinguishing ourselves in the World Wrestling Federation.

We inspired many of your mythical figures, from Beowulf to Gatotkacha. We didn’t mean to, though.

We were just having a bit of fun scaring the pants off you every now and then. It was just a bit of sport.

Q: Many would find it difficult, if not impossible, to believe that you and your family could have hung out here for so long without being found. I mean, you’re … big.

A: I’ll let you in on a secret. It’s not that hard. You, however, are something else. Wanna see me hunch over and make like a sun bear?

How about this orang-utan impression? Oo-oo-oo! Hah. Easy-peasy. Over in Alaska we look like grizzly bears.

Get me some clothes and a razor, I’ll do some of your elected representatives.

Q: What do you eat?

A: Same stuff you would if you lived where we live. Bananas. Snakes.

Q: Humans?

A: Never! They’re poisonous.

Q: How come no one’s ever found your, um, waste?

A: Excuse me! I thought this was a serious interview. Puh-leeze. Hygiene, my boy. We do it in the rivers, of course. You bathe in them. Your water stinks? Sue us.

Q: What about your skeletons and such? Where do you bury your dead?

A: Landfills. And a couple of oil palm estates in Johor. Any further questions?

Q: Perhaps you could tell us your plans for the future?

A: Well, let’s see. Maybe a college degree, run for Parliament, push for a seat in the UN. Just kidding.

We’re quite all right as we are, thank you. You don’t bother us, we won’t bother you.

We’d just like you to know we’re out there, and if you remove the wilderness we’ll have no choice but to take over your cities, no problem.

You think King Kong inspired us? It was the other way around, baby. You wouldn’t want to see me climb your Petronas Towers and take out a couple of your Sukhois. Messy.

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