June 11, 2008

BIgfoot Supplies.... Things To Never Leave Behind, by Matthew Simerson

A few things not to leave home without.

So as we all know for any type of field research you will always need supplies. In this article I will list off some of the things you will need while in search of the elusive beast. Follow along with me as we go over the essentials for the everyday researcher.


Sure you may be thinking to yourself, Thank you captain freaking obvious for your genius insight. And I would say to you, Your welcome. But the fact of the matter is a lot of us do not bring enough with us. A bottle or two will not suffice on a hot day I find it better to carry something like the Camel pack as shown above, it holds enough water to last you a day plus you don't have to stop and unzip your pack to get a drink. Just put the hose in your mouth and bite and water floods in nicely. Convenient, simple, and light weight. So now that we have water out of the way move on shall we.

No, hey, over here damn it the tours not over follow me. Man seriously the nerve.

First Aid Kit

This should be a no brainer seriously. Everyone has someone who is less then savvy when traversing through the forest. We all have that one bumbling friend who cannot do anything without somehow stabbing himself, or sticking his hand into a nest of rattle snakes. So this comes in really handy when said friend has come along. These kits pretty much have everything you need for almost every emergency. You know besides loss of limb due to hairy ape attacks, if that comes to fruition just keep snapping pictures we will come back and get the camera when the authorities come to clean up. Ok Moving on single file people let's get this trip over with.

Food and Bait

Ah food the necessity of life, tasty tasty food which can also be used as bait. Like you see in the picture here you have Peanut butter which provides a quick protein boost, pancakes for that nice carbohydrate boost, and garlic it keeps bugs and vampires away. Mix the three together and you have a Bigfoot pancake. It is safe for your consumption, however, I doubt you will enjoy it. Just lay it out for your hairy friend and maybe he will eat, and maybe he will hit you in the face with it no one really knows nor do I think anyone has ever tried to feed him one. But hey anything is worth a shot right? Well moving right along.

Protection and Wood Knocking Device

Sunglasses will help during the day to shield your eyes from UV rays. The wood knocking device also shown here with an axe edge just in case you knock out Bigfoot code for "Come and eat me please". This is a handy little tool for every occasion remember folks you're never wrong in carrying a multi-tasking device. It is also rather cheap to make yourself, old 3x3 or 4x4, a piece of steal, sharpen and your ready to do battle. Off we go to the next exhibit.


Any form of shelter will do really but unless you like building lean twos, or living in a cave for a few days, I recommend bringing a tent. Something sturdy with enough room for you to sleep comfortably in; make sure it has a nice bug screen unless you like waking up missing a pint of blood. This should also be a no brainer so in your hurry to get in the field make sure and throw this in the truck. Moving on.

Headphones extra camera and nicotine

Headphones that can adapt to your parabolic are a must that much is easy. I also recommend bringing a disposable camera just in case your digital dies or malfunctions. That way if the booger knocks the digital out of your hand and crushes it, you have your back up. Nicotine for me is a must, it is a good way to calm my nerves when something has startled me beyond pooping myself and curling up into the fetal position. Your form of nicotine enhancement is up to you I prefer something that does not carry a smell or could give my position away at night.

Also at this moment I would like to address those against tobacco, Screw off, yes I know it will kill me but so will a lot of things now leave me alone.

Your handy dandy burial spoon.

Spoons are a MUST, not only will you be able to dig a fox hole, but you can also bury a family of Sasquatches. Now you may stand back and ask "What the hell are you talking about?" Well my friends you apparently have never looked at a spoon and noticed the endless possibilities of this wonderful device. People have used them to dig out of prisons, make trips to china, and bury entire families of bigfoot with this simple device. So man up and grab your spoon, don't mind the odd looks you may get once you start out digging those guys with that useless backhoe. Because you sir are holding a spoon, and digging faster than a beagle on a mission.

Thus ends our tour I hope this has taught you a lot, and you leave this tour with a new found sense of adventure. Good luck and happy Squatching.

-Matthew Simerson


  • At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    As re your assertion that the common table spoon is effective for "burying an entire family of sasquatches," I would like to suggest that a salad fork is far more effective for tunneling through the inevitable network of coniferous root systems that invariably impede the efforts of bigfoot mass murderers.

    I, for one, would never hurt a sasquatch unless he offended my sense of taste (e.g., taking my reading habits into question, or suggesting that ankle-length white socks are inappropriate when wearing athletic shoes). However, that being said, to suggest that an individual disposed toward bigfoot-directed carnage is wise to pack along a table spoon strikes me as the kind of thing a silly person would say.

  • At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, and another thing.

    You forgot the iPod loaded with Led Zeppelin and Van Halen to keep the courage up when you hear heavy breathing coming from the shrubs just to your left.

    You and your poopie and fetal position! I detect the work of a rank amateur here!


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